A Response to the “Tiger Mother”
As the Parentology community would expect, I was appalled after reading Amy Chua’s article in the Wall Street Journal, “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior” in which she explains her formula for “successful parenting”—a strict regiment of no sleepovers, no play dates, no school plays, no TV, no computer games, no choice in extracurricular activities, no grades less than an A and no instruments other than violin and piano. This extreme philosophy on parenting is the complete antithesis of the ideas we promote in our Parentology courses—treating children as naturally creative resourceful and whole, deeply listening to our children and connecting within their dreams and desires, respecting our children’s feelings and emotions…
In particular, I was stunned by Mrs. Chua’s response when her 7-year old daughter Lulu had difficulties playing the piano piece, “The Little White Donkey”. The day before her lesson, Lulu shared her frustration with her mother and said she wanted to “give up” piano. Instead of trying to understand what her daughter was feeling or helping her process the situation, Mrs. Chua writes:
“Get back to the piano now,” I ordered. “You can’t make me.” “Oh yes, I can.”
Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed and kicked. She grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds. I taped the score back together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu’s dollhouse to the car and told her I’d donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn’t have “The Little White Donkey” perfect by the next day. When Lulu said, “I thought you were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?” I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn’t do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic…
She goes onto explain that her home became a “war zone” and that she continued to shout at her daughter until Lulu finally “did it”. That evening Lulu came to her mother for snuggles and hugs—happy that she had mastered the piece.
My response to Mrs. Chua can be summarized by a few simple questions:
- Why is it so important to you that your daughter plays that song to the point that you are willing to deny her food, holidays and toys?
- Put yourself in Lulu’s shoes. What is she feeling? What does she want?
- Think about the bigger picture. How will this one incident at the piano impact Lulu for the rest of her life? How will it impact your mother-daughter relationship?
- What is your definition of success in life? Would you like your child to lead a happy and satisfied life? Or, do you want her to be a person that always works hard at the expense of life enjoyment?
- Do you want your child to tie her personal self-worth to always pleasing others? Or, do you want her to feel empowered in making her own choices, beliefs and actions?
Mrs. Chua’s parenting style is a perfect example of what we call “conditional parenting”—where a parent withholds his or her love until the child performs to command. While in the short term Mrs. Chua’s manipulative tactics may achieve what she wants, in the long term she is most likely causing damage to her child’s self esteem and to their relationship.
As parents we have so many choices when it comes to how we respond to our children. Mrs. Chua’s philosophy sits at one extreme and the complete laissez-faire parent sits at the other. In deciding how we want to be and communicate with our children perhaps it is most helpful to take a step back and put ourselves in our children’s shoes. We must ask ourselves, “How would I want to be treated?” If Mrs. Chua had been treated by her boss, colleague or husband the way she had treated Lulu, she likely wouldn’t have stood for such disrespect. What makes her think it is okay to be a “Tiger Mother” towards Lulu? What damage is she doing in the long run?
Gonan Premfors
Co-Founder, Parentology
Image available under CC License by rolands.lakis
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Category: Reflections
i would probably hate that mother for the rest of my life, and no shrink would be able to resolve the situation…
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