First Loves
Recently, I have connected with some childhood friends, and have been reminded of my first love. It was interesting because I didn’t remember much about it until friends and I reminisced over stories. Songs, like signposts, directed my thoughts to places traversed lifetimes ago.
I was only 13 years old in middle school, and this boy was just finishing high school. (Yes you heard it correctly – now I know why my mom was worried). But, at the time, everything about this love felt innocent and important. Even though I don’t remember kissing this boy, I do remember the horrors of being dumped. He said he needed to give attention to his studies as he was moving to another town to attend the University. But what is rational is not always plausible when crushes are involved. I was heart broken.
Now, years later, I was surprised to find that the intensity of all those feelings, such as rejection and self-consciousness, returned with clarity. My memories were bittersweet, because while I fondly recalled my first experience with being in love, rejection was still hard to reconcile. In hindsight, I see how the power of connection with this first love relationship set the groundwork for how I deal with others, and how I handle rejection or acceptance.
Now, as a mother, I am reminded of how intense these experiences can be for young adolescents. Reflecting on our own experiences as teenagers in love must be valued if we want to understand the spectrum of emotions that our kids will inevitably go through.
Do you remember your first love and what really happened? What were your feelings like? How did your early experiences with love shape the way you model loving relationships for your children?
Gonan Premfors
Co-founder Parentology
Image available under cc license by D Sharon Pruitt
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Category: Reflections, Stories
I was in Mexico City with Gonan when she was writing about this. It knocked me out cold as I tried to go back in time to my first love. And what I found was bittersweet and redeeming. How could I have forgotten the hardships of rejection? The answer is very simple: it is not easy to cope with it. Then again, remembering Susana Philibert and her nuclear rebuke of my loving intentions at 9 was quite a shocker. Not only did this get me thinking about myself, but also about how could we as parents be present for our kids when this happens. How can we help them recover and not lose self-esteem in the process? How do we help them understand that not everybody loves you in the same way as you love them? How do we help them not be afraid to love in spite of the possibility of rejection?
Beautifully written Gonan!
I remember my first love so clearly that I still get that warm, fluttery feeling in my heart 30 years later! He was handsome, athletic, passionate and…young! Quite the opposite of your experience, he was in Grade 9 while I was in Grade 12. Quite scandalous!
We had two hot, mad years together until I left for college. It all came crashing down so quickly.
Many years later, through the magic of the internet, we reconnected and booked lunch. I was so nervous! But as soon as I saw the mega-watt smile, I was at ease. First I needed to apologize to him. My confession over the guilt of hurting him, which I had carried for 25 years came tumbling out. He stopped me – that wasn’t how he remembered it. In his mind he was the one that hurt me!! Isn’t it strange how a lack of clear, honest communication, gets in the way? Honestly I felt a weight lifted from my heart, that I wasn’t even aware I still carried.
I was so grateful to have the chance to understand our relationship from the vantage of maturity. We wished each other well, and as we walked away I smiled at the love that I will always hold for him.
My children have all experienced first loves too. It appears their patterns are the same: passion, then heart-break, then after some time, an enduring gratitude for the love that once was, and eventually,a fearless commitment to enter the next relationship with an even bigger heart. <3
Dear Gonan,
I love your Parentology work, and if I had children I would definitely embrace it with them.
I very clearly remember my first love, a tall, gorgeous blue eyed understated sporting hero who taught me so much about love and being there.
I remember the butterflies in my stomach and the longing to see him, and the way we would miss each other.
I remember when he nearly died protecting others while fighting fires, and how we both rushed to see each other. I remember countless of other special connections and experiences we shared.
I also remember my mother coming into my room one Saturday only a few weeks after the fire incident crying and beside herself to tell me Peter had died the night before falling asleep driving home from my house.
I remember the numbness, the disbelief, the feeling of separation from everyone, the longing, the sadness, the inability to smile or dance for such a long time.
I also remember a strong decision to make something of my life.
A year later, when I could smile again and dance again, I knew I had to take each moment of this precious life and enjoy it. Live it to the absolute best & fullest I could.
Be grateful to have the opportunities and experiences that he would miss.
For this reason, Peter gave me a gift, that makes me appear unusual sometimes to other people. He gave me wisdom. At a very young age, I came to understand that life is a gift, life is for living, experiencing it, being in it, and breathing it all in, and out.
Being in other relationships has been fine, although I do look at others who are in love in their marriages and relationships sometimes with a longing. I seemed to have missed having my own children which chokes me in my throat, with a longing that I am sure parents reading this page would understand and I have to breath through it all, even today.
I know I was given a gift to appreciate life, to BE in life, rather than consume it, to experience it, to BE there for others to help them make sense of their lives.
I also hope maybe by writing this comment it can help others to open up to their ‘lost’ loves and share. I hope that I too reconnect with that incredible power of romantic love and can be free to experience it in all its richness and depth again.
What a great post, Gonan!
My memories are still blurred. I remember having had quite a few crushes quite young – and right now, I do not remember which one was the first. I am smiling while typing this though, as the memories I have right now are mostly sweet. And there’s also an element of: “… if had known then, what I know now…” but that would be much less exciting, wouldn’t it.
Thank you for making me look there. I am sure more memories will surface from here onward.